Beyoncé is a vampire: exposed

-By, Isabel Isselbacher

Beyoncé’s name spelled out using abbreviations of elements from the periodic table is BeYONCe (Beryllium, Yttrium, Oxygen, Nitrogen, Cerium).  The atomic numbers for those elements, respectively, are 4, 39, 8, 7, and 58; these numbers added together total to 116.  In date form, this translates to 1/1/06, or January 1st, 2006.  On January 1st, 2006, Sydney, Australia recorded the highest temperature ever experienced at the time.  Incidentally, Australia is also home to a species of horsefly named after Beyoncé, Scaptia beyonceae.  Horseflies feast on blood, so this can only mean that Beyoncé follows similar dietary patterns; thus, she can be classified as a vampire.  This might serve to explain why she named her most recently released album “Lemonade:” she was striving to distract the public from her preferred beverage by alluding to another more common choice.  Nice try, Bey, but you can’t fool us. 🙂