By, Julie W. ’19
Chris Harrison: Welcome back to The Bachelor! Get ready for another night of passion, exhilaration, and excitement. Yes, those are three synonyms, but my target audience probably won’t notice that. This week, the girls travel to Singapore to discover beauty, connection, and love. [A stereotypical pentatonic riff begins to play in the background, and stock videos of Singapore flood the television screen.] A dramatic group date fans the flames of tensions between Demi and the girl whose name I already don’t remember. One of the two black girls gets a solo date to create a façade of diversity. As always, the producers and I will coerce the girls into “opening up” – in other words, revealing deeply personal information about themselves to Bachelor Colton along with millions of audience members. And a rose ceremony ignites sparks of anger between the girls. It all starts… right now.
[The screen switches to the same clip of Colton showering that the producers have been milking for weeks.]
Colton: [muttering to himself] I wish I could talk about something other than being a virgin.
Chris Harrison: Pardon?
Colton: [clears his throat] Did I mention I’m a 27-year-old virgin? It can sometimes be hard being a virgin for no apparent purpose, but I’m sticking to it for some reason.
Chris Harrison: Well, good thing we brought you a woman who’s never been kissed. At least now you have something over someone.
Colton: You’re right. I’ll keep her around for a few weeks just so I can feel comfortable with my masculinity, even though I don’t seem to have any attraction to her.
Chris Harrison: Fine, but if you keep her on the show, you have to keep those two girls who have beef, even though you clearly only like one of them.
Colton: I guess that’s fair. [Continues to shower thoughtfully, as Chris Harrison slowly walks away.]
[Later, at the cocktail party before the rose ceremony…]
Bachelor Contestant 1: Colton, can I steal you for a minute?
[The camera pans to the disgruntled faces of the other bachelor contestants as Colton and Bachelor Contestant 1 walk hand in hand towards a perfectly-placed bench outside of the dining hall.]
Colton: [Sighs exhaustedly.] Hi.
Bachelor Contestant 1: I’m so happy I got to spend this moment alone with you.
Colton: Same. How is your experience on The Bachelor going so far?
Bachelor Contestant 1: It’s great, but it can be hard seeing you with other girls, you know? I wish I had you to myself.
Colton: Yeah, same.
[A pregnant pause.]
Colton: You look beautiful tonight. I’m really attracted to you.
[Colton leans in and starts making out with Bachelor Contestant 1. The camera zooms in until the frame is uncomfortably close. A boom microphone hangs between their faces, amplifying their mouth sounds.]
Bachelor Contestant 1: [Later, to the audience.] I think I’m starting to fall for Colton. He really sees me for who I am, and we have such a genuine, unique connection.
[This scene repeats itself with Bachelor Contestant 2, Bachelor Contestant 3, Bachelor Contestant 7, and Bachelor Contestant 9.]
[At the Rose Ceremony…]
Colton: And finally, Bachelor Contestant 7, will you accept this rose?
Bachelor Contestant 7: Of course…
Chris Harrison: Unfortunately, this means we’re going to have to say goodbye to two irrelevant girls who share a combined total of three minutes of screen time. [The camera pans to the three girls, who embrace the other Bachelor contestants as if, somehow, they’ve known each other all their lives.] We also must bid farewell to one relevant girl so that the Bachelor Nation can rage-tweet about her departure. But the surprises don’t end there – tune in next week to to watch this entire episode again, but this time, it’s in Miami!