By, Haley K. ’20

Ah, nothing quite compares to the feeling of murdering your friend via homemade brownie, when your home attempt at death by chocolate becomes literal death by chocolate.  

Allergy tests are an amazing display of technology’s potential to overcome nearly any physical challenge.  Sure, they may cost a measly $48k to perform, but who cares about cost when you could know down to the millimeter how big your hives get for specific allergens that you already know you’re allergic to!

Allergies are all psychosomatic anyway, but for those really invested in proving their dedication to the lie, getting covered in itchy bumps is a great tip.

Better yet, there’s an easy DIY at-home solution!

(1) Gather all foods that you have had a reaction to and…

(2) Proceed to rub them on your skin!  No scratching for an hour!

(3) After your hour is up, use a ruler to measure the size of your hive, which will provide you with approximately zero (0) insights.  

Congratulations!  You now know that you shouldn’t eat the foods that you know you’re allergic to that you just rubbed on your arm!  You’re welcome for saving your life.

Remember: Enjoy responsibly!

Common side effects include dizziness, drowsiness, unsteadiness, memory loss, lack of coordination, difficulty speaking, viral infections, tremors, double vision, fever, unusual eye movements, jerky movements, death, and mild sniffling.